Home > Good Stuff, Life > Sports Bras vs. The Jaws of Life

Sports Bras vs. The Jaws of Life

goodstuff1Mama N: “Help! I’m trapped in my sports bra and I can’t get out!”

Friend pretending to be 911 operator who had once been in a similar predicament: “Stay calm, ma’am — We’re sending the Jaws of Life!”

images-1If you’ve ever worn a sports bra — men, don’t be afraid to admit it — then you know what I’m talking about. I’ve seen a few of you who probably should if you don’t already — you know that the very quality that keeps your tatas securely bound is the same one that leaves you swearing with a tangled mess halfway over your head when you try to take it off.

Nicknamed by me, “The Girdle of the 80s” the original Jogbra was a revelation. Though I had relatively little need for the extra support, the Jogbra was much more comfortable than the piece of nylon string I first used to strap down my noobies when I was the only 12-year-old girl playing little league baseball. (It was not unlike the other revelation I experienced when I first figured out how to use those nifty little internal implements of monthly sanitation. What a relief!) Now in my middle age, my you-know-whats have taken on a sort senile aimlessness that is a little humiliating and when I’m not sweating (all 2 months of the year) the straps on my regular bra tend to fall down.

images-2So when I went shopping for a sports bra the other day, trying to find one similar to one I’d bought recently on sale, I was overwhelmed by the selection of knocker-blocking knock-offs! Between a shoulder injury I’d received playing women’s ice hockey years ago and being upended by a dog recently, I was not about to go through the agony of trying them on over and over again. Then I saw the ones with clasps…. How clever they’ve gotten in 30 years!

Alas, I am still a cheapskate when it comes to lingerie so when I saw that the price was $10.00 more than the price I was already not willing to pay, I gave up. The company probably paid the sweatshop worker about a penny for the clasp attachment and was charging me a 1,000%  markup!

So I’m wearing the one I already have and will wait for the others to go on sale. In the meantime, I will work on the contortionist stretches that allow me to remove my sports bra safely and without further injury. Can you believe we’ve had to come up with a special exercise just to be able to take off our undergarments AFTER exercising??? I’ll bet there’s a video out on how to do it…

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Categories: Good Stuff, Life
  1. March 3, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    The solution is to just not not exercise. If you sit quietly so the girls don’t bounce, you won’t need specialized lingerie. (Probably not the best advice. I should probably stop making a divot in the couch, put on my own sports bra and get moving.)

  2. March 3, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    I didn’t want to have to make that suggestion myself, so thanks for doing it for me!

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