Home > Life, Really? > Reason, Season, Lifetime….

Reason, Season, Lifetime….

sure1A friend just sent me that email that describes the relationships in our lives and helps us to understand why some don’t last while others do. I always enjoy the reminder but today have discovered a new meaning in it.

Lately, I’ve been trying to terminate a relationship. No, it’s not a person, but rather, a “habitual companion” that I’ve been trying to shake for a while. I speak of “____” in the abstract because it can describe a lot of activities we all take part in, knowing that they are not good for us.

I met ____ in junior high while in the company of some friends. I took an instant liking to ____ because in its presence I felt powerful and my friends seemed friendlier.

As time went on, I found that ____ could even help me make friends. Little did I know that my friends liked ____ better than they liked me.

In my early 20s, I decided to try to break off the relationship with ____ and strike out on my own without the courage I thought ____ gave me. For 3 years, I learned how to make friends on my own, without having to use ____ as a bargaining tool. I felt strong and in control. 

Then one day, just as I was making a new life for myself, ____ walked back in, brazen as ever. I figured that in the 3 years without ____, I had learned to manage life on my own. I was not about to let ____ stand in my way. My new friends liked ____ a lot so I figured, what the hell….. the more the merrier.

But after a  while, ____ and I would go off by ourselves. The others didn’t seem to have as much use for us as before and ____ and I still had a lot to share. Eventually, ____ started to dominate everything we did. I couldn’t just walk away without ____ coming after me. ____ wanted all my time and energy.

So I cut ____ off. I felt free again, able to find my own way without having ____ constantly nagging at me and making me feel neglectful. But my resolve was only so great. I couldn’t stand the whining, so I took ____ back again.

Funny how with some relationships it’s the fighting that makes them passionate. People argue and scream and send each other away, only to find greater renewal in the making up. This is how it seems to be with me and ____. The need for each other only becomes greater in our separation.

There was a time when ____ was in my life for a reason — courage, or false courage, really. In each of the seasons of ____’s return, I realize that the season needs to come to an end eventually, but I have a hard time conceiving of a permanent break.

Now, I am trying to convince ____ that our relationship is not meant to last a lifetime. With each passing year, our fights and requisite making up have become too stressful. ____ is encroaching on my integrity again and I am trying to figure out how to end the relationship forever. We have met new friends again together and breaking up means being with these friends on my own again, knowing that ____ will often still be with us in the room. 

Am I strong enough to let ____ go? Will I be able to ignore the seduction that always brings us back together? And can I do it without replacing ____ with another that will only grow to create the same relationship? 

There are some in our lives that serve as markers of turning points for us. ____ has been that marker for me, but never a positive one. ____ has always been the signpost of the weakening of my spirit and integrity. If I can learn to appreciate that fact and respect the signs when I see ____ making eyes at me, I will succeed. Otherwise, ____ will take me over and snuff out my light forever. 

I pray that I am strong enough to not let that happen….

Categories: Life, Really?
  1. betty
    June 4, 2009 at 12:42 am

    Add my prayers and love

  2. June 4, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    Thanks, Betty. I think we all have a relationship with something that we’d like to change. I suppose the first part is giving ourselves permission to change it.

  3. June 9, 2009 at 12:29 am

    We’re all just dying a slow death. Some relationships hasten it, some enhance it. It’s the relationships that do both that are the real struggles. Hope you can overcome yours.

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