Home > Life, Really?, Spirituality/Religion > I Just Wanna Die, Part 2 (Part 3, Part 4, Part…)

I Just Wanna Die, Part 2 (Part 3, Part 4, Part…)

sure1I wanted to amend the flippant tone of my last post a bit. In reading back, there is a random hysteria to it that is perhaps my reaction to the real issue for me — depression.

I got some more details about the passing of my high school colleague, Tony Silva, who took his own life recently. Apparently, the depth of his personal despair was unknown even to those closest to him. I’ve often heard this from those who have been blindsided by the suicide of a loved one but I’ve never been close enough to experience it personally.

Though I tend to veil my writings behind my “spiritual search”, the reality is, this is my way of clawing through chronic depression. At times my life has been disrupted by it, but I have become adept at weathering the major storms and moving on when the sky clears, though sometimes the knowledge that the storms will return is enough to ruin a perfectly sunny spell. It’s can be exhausting.

I have been treated for depression in the past with the aid of a psychiatrist and a little blue pill, but then I lost my health insurance (my own choice) and the $300 monthly cost of my medication was simply not an option. I bucked up in another way by leaving my world behind (symbolic, ain’t it?), and embarking on a new life, one that held no security but also no responsibility. Freedom fed my depleted chemicals…for a while.

Depression is insidious. As dangerous as cancer, it invisibly feeds off the healthy cells of our minds until one day, it’s too late. The dark thoughts, the feelings of worthlessness, the rage, become as much a part of us as our arms and legs and we simply accept that they are there. “Where does depression hurt…who(m) does depression hurt…” When we are in pain, we often can’t muster the energy to care who we take down with us and without treatment, we’ll take them all the way down until they have nothing left to give.

I have health insurance now. I’ve had it for several years. But as with many insidious diseases, and the mindset of one who is intent on powering through, I have yet to re-seek treatment. Mostly I have sought my own form of medication which only feeds the depression by eroding my self respect and integrity.

Yesterday, I risked my own life and limb as well as Mama N.’s by reacting to a driver that pissed me off. I was shaking with rage, as I often have been lately. That’s how my own depression manifests. I’m willing to take blood pressure pills but haven’t become humble enough to add in the little blue pill again. What am I waiting for? Someone to blast me in the face with a shotgun? To quote myself after Mama N. made that very statement last night, “Yeah, maybe I am. It saves me from having to do it myself.”

Great. What was the name of that psychiatrist again?

A note to Tony: If it makes your rest any more peaceful, know that you may have saved other lives by taking your own. It might not comfort those who loved you, but your sacrifice could make a difference for someone else. Rest easy, my friend….

  1. Barb
    July 20, 2009 at 1:04 pm

    Hey, cuz…..we (you, Carolyn and I) have a strong genetic connection with that ugly ‘depression-thing’….and of course, other relatives….the ones who know they have it and the ones who live in denial!
    I hope coming to Michigan in August works out for you because we could have our own therapy sessions! Carolyn and I do often now that she lives in Cols.! Cathy and Chris Zane coming too!! Love you!

  2. CherylZ
    July 20, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    Take the little blue pill. I don’t suffer from depression per se, however, the little blue (or sometimes white…depends on which generic drug company is putting it out) has helped me stay off the front page of the newspapers by keeping me from killing my family!! Seriously, though, my ob-gyn has always promoted “better living through pharmaceuticals”…just not the kind that Michael Jackson was taking. Give yourself permission to understand that you need the help. There is no shame in it!

  3. July 20, 2009 at 9:22 pm

    Don’t be doing anything stupid. I just got you back in my life again and I find you one of the most entertaining and enjoyable people in it. There’s no shame in “happy pills”. If it makes you feel better, do it. You’ve got the double whammy of being a woman in her 40s. That alone can cause depression, rage and mood swings.

  4. July 20, 2009 at 9:40 pm

    I didn’t mean to worry anyone. I just wanted to make the point that many struggle with these problems right before our eyes. As well as we think we know each other, sometimes it’s not enough. We can do ourselves great good by reaching out to others when we need to be reached out to ourseves.

  5. Mama Nance
    July 22, 2009 at 7:58 pm

    I’m looking forward to “Good Stuff” baby face writing again as soon as possible when you feel like it. I just L-O-V-E her.
    Help will appear somewhere somehow. You have so many caring people in your life. You bring much to the table for all of us.

    Until then.. know I’m in your corner ( Just NOT in your car anymore !!!!! )

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