Home > Life, You've GOT to be kidding! > What Color Shoes Are You Wearing?

What Color Shoes Are You Wearing?

kidding1AGAIN ???

I got another one of those bloody email “just for fun” questionnaires today and like a mindless idiot I filled it out AGAIN!!!

What’s wrong with me???

The most ridiculous part is that it’s usually between the same group of people whose ice cream preferences I am now MORE than well aware of !

What I want to know is, why do people always answer these questions so literally? I use these surveys to jiggle my friends’ giggle reflexes by answering in as absurd a way as possible. Today’s responses were as follows:

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Nope, other than my middle name, Christine, in tribute to Jesus Christ, lord and savior of all the universe and galaxies beyond including Alpha Centauri.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? BAH! Last Tuesday night after Bunco. I had such a wonderful time with all of you that it just makes my heart melt. (See question about “sarcasm” below)
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Only when it’s on the bathroom wall. Michell, I especially like what I wrote about you at Chili’s in stall #3 on the left.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Sauteed cat lips
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Not yet. Not my fault. Nancy is sterile. Too many years of wearing tighty whities…
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Are you asking if I’m schizophrenic? Or are you asking my friend here?
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? No comment
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS Not after yelling at Jack last night
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Only once. Without a cord. I believe in unassisted suicide.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Any kind whose texture reminds me of chicken feed. Excellent fiber. Provided there’s a bathroom nearby.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? I don’t wear shoes with laces. I was absent that day in kindergarten. I am shoe-tying illiterate but was afraid to admit it. Thank goodness for slip-ons. They’ve allowed me to hide my disability.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Please discuss amongst yourselves.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Anything Nancy doesn’t like (which is, like, any flavor but vanilla) And since I refuse to buy vanilla, I usually get to eat all the ice cream!
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? How they look at my filthy clothes and unshaven legs. I need to hang out with more blind people.
BLACK OR PINK? Pink. Black often implies necrosis, depending on what we’re talking about.
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Let me get back to you on that. There are simply too many options to make a choice right now. Maybe I’ll do a poll of my multiple personalities and see what they think.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? George Washington
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? God, no!
19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Pink (feet). They are not yet necrotic.
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Salmon & rice left over from Michell’s (she doesn’t know it yet — she’s planning to have it for lunch).
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Murphy farting and snoring. It’s great having an older dog.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? All of ’em, mashed up, which I guess would actually end up being black.
23. FAVORITE SMELLS? See # 21.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Miss Tina. In case anyone is wondering, we have actually solved all the problems of the world, but nobody ever seems to believe us.
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Define “like”.
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? The crying little kid across the street being chased by Murphy. Go Murph!
27. HAIR COLOR? I’m not telling. And I’m not showing either so don’t ask. I dye that part too.
28. FAVORITE PET? Nancy
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Once, about 20 years ago. I think they might still be in there.
30. FAVORITE FOOD? Whatever leftovers Michell has in her fridge 😀
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy movies with scary endings.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? “Reality Bites and So Does My Dog”. It’s my own screenplay inspired by my neighbors across the street — I previewed it on my computer.
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Pale pink. Not actually wearing a shirt.
34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer. Don’t have to wear clothes. Except for filthy ones if necessary.
35. HUGS OR KISSES? Depends. Who are we talking about here?
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Ice cream that Nancy doesn’t like.
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? The police
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND Child protective services
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Reading? See question #11. That was the same day they taught reading. I barfed up apples & milk on my buckle-up shoes so they sent me home. I think I should write a story about that.
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Let me check my underwear. Hopefully nothing. I should be done by now, thanks to my recent D&C.
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? “Mr. Obama Goes To Washington”, followed by the sequel: “Mr. Obama Gets His Ass Kicked By Conservative Third-Graders”
42. FAVORITE SOUND? Jack chewing asphalt.
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles being crushed by Rolling Stones. That would sound cool — playing both simultaneously — backwards. You could probably hear Paul McCartney saying “I… buried… Mick”
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME??? Alpha Centauri. See question #1. That’s how I know about J.C. I’m thinking about becoming an evangelist in outer space if things keep getting any creepier here on Earth. There’s gotta be hope somewhere in the universe…
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Nothing I can discuss on a public forum. I don’t want to set off any alarms with the spiderbots.
46. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ANGELS? Only Ahmy….
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Nobody’s. If I hear back from anyone, it will probably be at my front door by someone bearing handcuffs or a straitjacket.

I mean no offense to the senders of these ludicrous quizzes, but I’m sure I’ll get another one soon enough and I’ll be impelled and inspired to answer at least as obnoxiously.

I hope it wasn’t a matter of life or death for any of them to know what color my shoes really are….

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  1. September 9, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    You’ve done it now. Everyone is going to send these to you, just so you can make them laugh.

  2. Mel G
    September 10, 2009 at 3:22 am

    And you dont forward the responses to me? Come on, I could use the laugh!

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